Megan and Lucy were in the Florida Keys this week, so I had the opportunity to do whatever I wanted all week long. I envisioned eating out, bumming around the outdoor bars, reading books, and biking the local trails… savoring the first multi-day parenting break since Lucy was born.
What actually happened was hilariously the same as when she’s here. I haven’t eaten out once nor soaked up booze at the neighborhood haunts - though I did finish a bottle of rye whiskey in just a few days. I read all of 3 pages from the stack of 20 books on my “to read” list. I tuned up my bike, and rode it for a whopping 15 minutes to meet someone for coffee. I’m not trying to be hard on myself, I just think it’s funny. I day-dreamed of “all the things” I would do, only to almost immediately feel demotivated, disoriented, and lost when my family wasn’t here.
I never thought of myself as someone who needed other people. I like people, I LOVE my friends and family, but I have been wildly independent since I was probably 10 years old. So independent, though, that I have always had a hard time keeping close friends close. Some of the people I trust the most, I rarely even talk to. Whenever I am asked to make a list of my closest people (my goal planning book had me do this), I get torn up about writing down the names of people I haven’t spoken to in months. And then I feel guilty, and awful, and lonely. So I try not to think about it… but inevitably the topic comes up again and those feelings all cycle through.
I’m working on building those friendships up more and maintaining closer connections to people, but the reason I mention all this is because I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not the wildly independent person I thought I was. That perhaps, maybe, I’m desperate to be connected to people I care about, and to be regularly in their lives and thoughts. I’ve just been so afraid, for so long, to submit to the unpredictable and vulnerable nature of close relationships.
I need people. I need my people. I need Megan and Lucy. They are my family. But I also need other people, I need close friends, I need a community. I have some of these, but I need to be closer to them all. I need to be open, I need to be vulnerable to them, I need to be okay with rejection and with being let down by others. I need to be ok with letting others down. I can’t prevent harm by just not being connected.
I just wish I could let my younger self all that. At least I’m figuring it out now.
Any advice?
How do you prepare sweet potatoes?
I’ve been cutting them into strips and roasting, I like them a little crispy. However, I’m always looking for new ideas. I love these stupid things. Also, I like buying the chonky 2lb ones nowadays.
Any tips or ways you like them best?